car is the inner chamber on the drive home, no sounds, stretching arms at a stop light. driving home is the palette cleanser between the end of the work day and the beginning of the evening and my life waiting for me at home.
gratitude...oh, this is what it "feels" like to be content, surrounded
by such beauty.
gratitude for noticing.
After going back and forth with our karma and our dysfunctional functioning; she saw a photo on my desk of a red barn, "Oh, I like that", she said. Then - "You know what I really like, windmills." Me- "I L-O-V-E windmills too." She - "That is weird."
Why is it hard to believe that two people thrown together, having a hard time communicating are actually more alike than different? Now, this is something to be present with even if it only lasts a moment.
Sitting with this beautiful koan from Elizabeth Mattis-Namgyel,..."what would happen if we habituated ourselves to staying open?" It isn't something I read and say, "Oh, what a lovely idea." No, I see it as my lifeline to freeing myself and experiencing true joy, not the teeter-totter of the emotions. I believe it wasn't until just now that I allowed myself that openness all day.
Sitting...with discomfort; as it turns out for a good part of the day.
Thinking...I have to be "doing" something on my weekend that has value as these 2 days are so precious and NOT work!
Crankiness, fear, anxiety, low blood sugar?
And now, dusk is here I've eaten and taken the body outside and realized how raw I was and needed to get back home! Grief comes in many disguises and asks quite a lot of one. And now, having given this feeling ample time I think, what a luxury to be able to let myself be okay with feeling cranky and uncomfortable and all those other descriptions that sound negative but are really no more usual or regular than joy or happiness or contentment. Now, I'm smiling at myself and writing it all down. I am a work in progress...
and this is how to get through this experience;
Today is my last day...and I immediately feel so
bouyant and it helps me get to 5 pm. From here on
out every day will be my last day. Is this another
way of saying stay in the present? Playing
tricks with my mind to stay sane.
Fresh wet snow, wash me clean. So raw inside it hurts to think. Buddha Maitreya chant soothing balm. The intimacy of the rawness takes me back to the beginningness of my choices to be in this body. I take note of the sweetness and gentleness of this image over five decades old. We were leaning into one another.
3am clockwork; inner heat, outer cool.
slide left leg out from under the covers to balance out the temperatures.
a many layered 30 seconds; inner combustion, thin layer of sweat, cool relief of open air, back to sleep.
the trick is not too get too excited so I can easily fall back to sleep.
holding #8 steel blue knitting needles, 40 garter stitches, nothing fancy. I'm making a scarf, I'm always making a scarf and it doesn't seem to really matter that I don't have a finished product. That's not why I knit. Right now, it's mostly about bringing my mind into the present moment, staying aware of my breath...breathing in bring right needle under loop on left needle, loop yarn around, over, feel the drag of the wool yarn across my index finger, pull the needle through and voila! another stitch is born...breathing out start again. Keep the yarn just so...not too taught, not too loose...the middle way...keeping the hands busy, the mind occupied, the shoulders down and relaxed, the head tipped slightly down but not strained. I think I love to knit.
alright...earlier today..."noticing properly"...but unable to write about it for hours...one more "don't you remember in our training Mary, these are the things you need to remember Mary, are you still working on that?"...it took every fiber of my being from just packing up my things and leaving. I've spent 8 months with this person and every single button/issue that can be pushed is being pushed. It was interesting to watch myself and feel the intensity of wanting to leave...change...run...quit...there are times when I am willing to recognize the lessons staring me flat in my face and there are the times when I want to say, alright, I believe enough is enough and dear universe, may I please learn these lessons somewhere else, with someone else or better yet, may I simply be done with this lesson now? Thank you kind universe in advance for hearing my request!
this is mindfulness:
bending head back in the shower stall feeling the hot water soak my head and clear my mind.
bending over, bending knee, grabbing shoe with both hands, pulling back the tongue, pushing the foot inside, giving it it's home for stepping out into the world.
moving hand holding cup to mouth, tasting first bursts of fresh ground french roast coffee, sliding down the back of my throat, being reminded to be present with the words that move out into the atmosphere this day.
it's 6 a.m., I can't not get up and sit for twenty minutes. after days of mind reeling activity, this morning I can commit to watching myself be present and know instinctively how being quiet this morning will bear itself out through the day. I am grateful to know the benefits of kindness and gentleness to myself.
"reassessing for clarity", that's what I just read, and I find myself wanting to push out of these current present moments hoping the next one will feel better, freer, less constrained. I just want out of mind this morning. My thoughts make my stomach burn and jump; then I turn to my left and the sun is showing itself over the mountains. I've got a kitty on my lap and the other nuzzled up with the dog. This moment I can take.